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I get a lot of very heartfelt emails from people who feel like they are in either the beginning or end stages of "falling out of love" with their spouse. Most of them want to stop this process. They love their family and they don't want to disrupt their life or to do anything or feel anyway that would bring about major life changes. Still, it is human nature to want to be as happy and fulfilled as you are capable of being. And one of the strongest of all human urges is to love and be loved. So, if you feel that this is missing from your life, especially within your own home or within your own marriage, you are likely to feel and experience this void very deeply.
Even so, recognizing what is happening is the first step in fixing it, and I know first hand that it can be fixed in most cases. I firmly believe that most of the time, it is not the feelings that have changed, it is the circumstances that have. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Are You Participating In The Behaviors And Experiences That Will Keep You "In Love" With Your Spouse?: Often when people tell me that they are falling out of love, I ask them how much time they spend doing the things that they and their spouse enjoy together. In other words, what types of activities did you enjoy when you were falling in love, and how often do you do these today? Often, people will pause, shuffle their feet, look down, or begin to spout of the laundry list of tasks and chores that define their lives today. These phrases are usually prefaced with things like "yeah, but...."
I understand this. We all have so many obligations that it can feel like we are literally swimming in them. And, it's not that we don't want to take or make time for our spouse, it's just that it can be, well, very difficult to juggle it all. I'm not bringing this up to elicit guilt or blame. Most everyone is guilty of this to some extent or another. But, few of us are able to look at this with some clarity and see the direct correlation between the QUALITY of time spent together and the QUALITY and intensity of the way that we feel about our spouses.
If we are only giving a lukewarm or "passable" attempt, then we are only going to get a lukewarm or passable result. This is true in all aspects of life, not just relationships. But, this lopsidedness will become quite evident in your marriage over time, no matter how good your intentions and no matter how much you really are committed to your spouse. You simply can not neglect the relationship and yet except to feel the same intense feelings.
If you took one day to witness how you interact with your spouse as an objective outsider, I'll bet you might be surprised at what you would see. I really was quite stunned when I did this exercise. I really did not find myself holding hands with my husband or spontaneously touching him. My therapist asked me to contrast this when we were first dating and of course, the difference was startling. She asked me to begin to focus just on one thing each day to bring us both physically or emotionally closer. This could be one back rub and for once, taking five minutes to really listen to what he was saying without absent mindedly sorting the mail. These small efforts helped me to see things from a different perspective.
Why Passion Always Fades (Even If You Really Do Love Your Spouse): I once had a therapist tell me something that I now often tell my readers. When I was confessing that the & and chemistry seemed to be exiting my marriage (mostly on the part of my husband) she told me that this is inevitable. What people define as the fireworks and the spark will often make it's grand exit because these things are based on "novelty, mystery, and discovery.
Well, when you are together for a while, these things can't help but leave the equation somewhat. You pass that phase where you are learning new, exciting and novel things about each other. The mystery leaves and you often turn your attention to the new discoveries that you can make about your children or your career. This isn't your fault, but it is the way that it is. You can change it though. You can concentrate on continue to discover new things about one another. You can shake things up a bit to create new novelty. You can travel together and experience new things so that you are always in a position to make new discoveries in an environment is conducive to excitement and enthusiasm.
Getting Started: When I tell people that they should start tweaking their circumstances and experiences today, they are often quite hesitant. They are reluctant to step out side of their comfort zone or to be the only one who is interested in changing things. It can feel really vulnerable to take the initiative, but someone has to and the rewards are going to be yours. Making your spouse happier and giving them more attention is only going to benefit you. Their happiness is sure to pay dividends to you when they return this favor.
Take small steps. Focus on giving a little bit more time and effort each day. Focus on finding things that you can both enjoy and look forward to. You do not want for this to feel like hard work or something that you have to convince yourself that you should or want to do. You should chose things that you will find appealing so that you will actually want to do them and will want to share them with your spouse.
Over time, as you begin to commit more time and effort, you will start to see meaningful changes in the intensity of your feelings. It truly is a very simple equation. Quality in almost always equals quality out. This is true in all things - even marriage.
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